Highstead Alcohol Treatment Programs

The Secret to Breaking Any Bad Habit or Addiction

It’s very simple. The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your choices. When you make choices that are good for you, you feel good about yourself, do good things for yourself, and have many good experiences.

When you make choices that are bad for you, you feel bad about yourself, do bad things to yourself, and have many bad experiences. One road leads to pleasure, the other, pain…

Have you ever wondered why people do things that are clearly harmful to their health? Perhaps it’s because they really don’t feel they have a choice.

This is why the alcoholic reaches for booze, the junkie for drugs, the sex-addict for porn. It’s because deep in their hearts they have a subconscious need that must be satisfied, and the bottom line is, they haven’t learned to meet that need in a way that truly serves them. Since they can’t see any other way, they haven’t got a choice.

The dictionary defines the word habit as “an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.” An addiction meanwhile, can be defined as a habit you can’t break without feeling some adverse effects. At that point it becomes a matter of accurately assessing those effects, and then making your decision accordingly. In either case, there is one thing you must know before dealing with an alcohol addiction…

There is always a choice.

The Biggest Choice of All: Personal Responsibility.

The good news is, you already have everything you need to get where you want to go. You have a mind that thinks, a body that feels, and a soul that knows the way. The challenge is getting them all to agree, especially when your mind keeps trying to control the show.

But who is really in charge of your life? Is it you, or is it your mind? Are you the master of your thoughts and behavior? Or are you a slave to your own mental impulses?

Consider your actions in life. Everything you do can be attributed to one of two things: Your need to avoid pain, or your desire to gain pleasure. Test this out for yourself. Think of anything you might do today, and see if it can’t be reduced to one of these primary motivations. Here’s a few examples:

Read a book? Gain pleasure.
Pay a bill? Avoid pain.
Go for a walk? Gain pleasure.
Lie to your boss? Avoid pain.
Sleep in? Watch a movie? Answer the phone? Maybe a little of both.

The point is, all your actions, even the actions you really don’t like, originate from either a positive or negative impulse. And every impulse is nothing more than a suggestion that your mind has served up for you to do with as you will. The problem is, being unaware of the essential relationship between yourself and your mind, you react to every thought as if it were a command.

Consider your thoughts for a moment. You have both negative and positive thoughts to choose from. You have negative thoughts to protect you from danger, and you have positive thoughts to bring you delight. The best way to think of this is having a negative mind that wants to avoid pain, and a positive mind that wants to experience pleasure.

But then you have a conflict. To your negative mind, all the potential pleasures in life involve some kind of risk, so it doesn’t want you to go there. And to your positive way of thinking, you can’t fully experience the pleasures in life while you keep holding yourself back, so you disregard the danger.

So here’s Flo standing in front of her refrigerator. On the outside she appears quite calm, but inside there’s a battle raging over whether or not she’s going to reach in there and grab that slice of chocolate cake.

Her positive mind is saying “MMMMM! Won’t that cake taste yummy!” While her negative mind keeps saying “No! Don’t do it! You’re already big as a whale!”

Can you think of a similar example for yourself? A time when you were torn between two possible courses of action? In that situation, what was the pleasurable experience you wanted, and what was the pain or danger you perceived?

Personal response ability means the ability to respond. It is the ability to see various points of view, decide what serves your purpose, and take effective action. It means having the confidence and maturity to figure things out for your self. This way, you can actually move forward instead of feeling stuck or trapped.

The Challenge is…

If you only have two options - pain or pleasure - then it’s not really a choice. It’s a dilemma. So that’s when you have to be clear. Sometimes it is good to think in negative terms, carefully considering the potential threats. And sometimes it is good to think in positive terms, focusing on the potential opportunities.

The third option is to simply stop and be neutral for a moment. To look at both sides equally and objectively before deciding what serves you best.

The reason you struggle is because you have not yet learned how to effectively direct your mind. You are bouncing back and forth between extremes, with no stability in between. Because you have no neutral way to assess your situation, you can’t see all your options. Because you can’t see any options, you remain a victim of your fears and desires.

But there is a path with your name on it. One that takes into consideration both the positive and negative points of view, and enables you to make decisions according to your vision, values and objectives. To find that path, there is one decision that must be made before any other decision will matter:

Either your mind will serve you, or you will serve your mind. Either you are going to find a way to master your thoughts, or you will always be a victim of your own mental impulses. There is no way to succeed without addressing this simple truth.

You will then obtain joy in your mind
and throw away your pain.

MH

Here is one big reason why so many people fail to control their behavior, or never seem to get what they truly want: You can’t hold “not doing something” as a reliable target. That’s because your mind always needs a subject to focus on.

This means that the very act of trying NOT to focus on something, brings that thing into your field of thought. For example, if I say “Don’t think of a green tomato”, what do you immediately think of? A green tomato.

In other words, focusing on what you don’t want, gives you no way of putting the problem behind you. Similarly, when someone says “I don’t want to drink anymore”, or even “I need to stop drinking”, what is the subject they are actually focused on? “Drinking”. This is one reason why so many alcoholics are always in recovery, but never fully recovered. Drinking is always on their mind. They haven’t learned how to move past it.

Whenever you say what you don’t want, for example, I don’t want to smoke, I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to feel bad, broke or stupid…it’s kind of like going into a grocery store with a shopping list of all the things you don’t want to buy: “I don’t want bread. I don’t want carrots. I don’t want eggs, milk or butter…”

With such a list, you could spend all your time in the store trying to avoid certain items, without ever actually getting the things you really need! You’ve got to do better than that. You see it’s not enough to keep on counting the days you have managed to avoid a certain behavior.

Now there is something you must figure out,
before you can truly set yourself free.

You must determine the unmet needs that are driving your behavior. Start here: What do you think are some of the benefits of drinking? In other words, what are some of the good feelings you get when are doing it? How does it make you feel on the upside?

Simply by acknowledging the benefit of your actions, you gain perspective on what you really want. And by thinking about what you want, as opposed to whatever you are trying to avoid, it effectively shifts your focus, and immediately points you in a better direction.

Having a clear picture of what you actually want to feel or accomplish, puts you in a far better position to assess your options for getting there. So it’s great that you have decided it is time to deal with your drinking problem. Now you must figure out what “dealing with it” actually looks like to you.

Eventually, you have to have a way of knowing the job is finally done, otherwise you are in for a never-ending battle. If you don’t have a clear picture of what success in this area actually means to you, then how can you possibly achieve it? How can you come up with an effective strategy to get somewhere, when you haven’t even decided where you truly want to be?

Now is the time to be really flexible in your approach, and start asking yourself better questions. For example: “How will I be certain that I’ll never have to worry about another relapse?” Or, “How will I know when I have dealt with this problem once and for all?

MH

Is Complete Recovery Possible?

Our beliefs drive our behavior.

When it comes to alcohol addiction, when it comes to solving your drinking problem, ending alcohol abuse, curing your disease, overcoming alcoholism, dealing with temptation, erasing all doubts, cravings, threats, insecurities, or any fears of relapse…remember this:

Whether you believe you can, or you believe you can’t, you’re right.

Warning! The following questions could lead to an increase in personal responsibility!

The quality of our results is based on the quality of questions we ask. To gain some additional perspective on your dis-ease, here’s 5 uncommon things to ask yourself before checking into rehab, or beginning any alcohol rehabilitation program:

1. Does having a ‘drinking problem’ mean the same thing to you as being ‘an alcoholic’? What’s the difference?
2. Do you believe anyone has ever fully recovered from alcoholism? In other words, do you believe alcoholism is curable?
3. Do you believe anyone has ever completely solved a drinking problem? Does that belief help or hinder your own chances of success?
4. What might be one of the first indications that you have made significant progress in dealing with your drinking problem?
5. And what is one belief you may eventually have to drop, in order to completely solve the problem?

MH

The Better I Feel About Myself, The Better I Do For Myself

I’m curious. Do you think the way a person feels, has anything to do with the way that person acts? For example, do people act different when they are happy, compared to when they are sad?

Well how ’bout you? Do you act differently depending on how you feel? For example, when you are confident, do you act different than when you feel uncertain? Pretty obvious, right? And how about your results. Do you think your actions have anything to do with the quality of results you get?Interesting. So what we’re saying is… “If I can somehow find a way to control my feelings, then I will have more control over my actions, which will lead to better results.”

Try this: Begin by making small daily improvements, and constantly acknowledge what you are doing well. This will make you feel good inside, which will lead to better actions and results. When you focus on the good you are doing, you build your confidence, you develop self-respect, and you constantly reinforce your own self-worth.

As you start to feel better about yourself, you will start make better decisions, and you will experience far better things in your life. There’s more to it, of course, but this alone will yield far better results than beating yourself up every time you fail.

MH

One thing I could never accept about being an alcoholic, was the idea that I was powerless over my behavior. In my head, it certainly seemed to be true. I had been a drunk for many years and had suffered horribly because of it. But once I finally realized how powerless I felt in my heart, I decided there was no way in hell I was going to stay there.

I think we all know the feelings of being scared and powerless, but it’s something we usually try to avoid. Rather than just sitting with the feelings and trying to understand them. When it comes right down to it, how do you think a person feels about being an alcoholic? Or an addict? Or a compulsive gambler? How does it actually feel, knowing you can’t even control your own behavior?

I can’t speak for anybody else, but I know how it made me feel. It made me feel like a loser for an awfully long time. Fortunately, I was still pretty flexible in my thinking. And somewhere I had learned that “A loser isn’t someone who falls down. A loser is someone who stays down.”

Of those two options, defining myself as an alcoholic, or expanding my awareness, it was pretty clear which would serve me better. I could see the downside, as well as the upside, to defining myself as powerless.

I decided it wasn’t for me. Always living in fear. Always in recovery. But never actually in control. And never fully recovered. Simply because of the words I was using to define myself. At the time, my exact thoughts were: “Admit you have a problem, but reject that you are powerless. As long as you can think, you have the power to make a choice.”

Of course back then I still couldn’t see what my choices were. Couldn’t see I had any other options, because I was too busy defending my own limited point of view. Took awhile to figure out, but eventually I realized that if I wanted to change my behavior, then I would have to change my beliefs. Otherwise, I knew I’d become as dependant on coffee, cigarettes and A.A. meetings, as I had been on getting drunk.

MH

The 7 Steps to I.M.P.R.O.V.E.
How to steadily overcome any bad habit or addiction. By Michael Highstead
For personal guidance or group facilitation of The 7 Step Method,
email leesa@habitbusters.com

1. Identify What You Really Need

You know what you don’t want, but until you’ve clearly identified what you do want, how can you see any options to get it? The first step is to identify the subconscious needs that are driving your behavior. Once you understand what you are really after, you can choose a healthier way to get it.

For example, do you want a cigarette, or do you want to feel calm and in control? Do you want a drink, or do you want to feel more relaxed and confident? Do you really want to put another $100 chip on the table, or do you just want another round of excitement? What is the actual feeling you are trying to get through your unwanted habit or behavior?

2. Make It Essential

Ever notice how you usually accomplish the things you must do, while the things you should do typically get postponed? Think of your basic daily functions. Should you eat, sleep, drink, or bathe upon occasion? Or are those things you MUST do? How about getting dressed, going to work, or putting gas in your car? Are those things that you should merely get around to sometime? Or have you decided they are absolutely essential to your day?

The key in this step is to discover your own most compelling reasons for making the desired change. By fully associating to the undeniable consequences of your behavior, you’ll quickly find the necessary motivation. What are three essential reasons that are compelling enough for you to finally get the job done?

3. Pick and Choose Your Beliefs

At the root of every action, you have many beliefs about yourself and your environment. Some of those beliefs are good for you. Some, not so good. Now you must decide which are which. You must figure out how to strengthen the beliefs that support you, and drop the ones that no longer do you any good - no matter how much comfort they may have given you in the past!

Within your environment, you must evaluate whatever is influencing your behavior - the external pressures that currently distract and threaten you. Within yourself, you must root out the mental, physical, and emotional patterns that reinforce your habit and tempt you to give in. More precisely, when you look at the actual symptoms of your beliefs - the things you typically think, feel, say, and do whenever indulging in your habit - you will get a pretty good idea of what’s really going on in your head.

This is where the real work must be done, but contrary to popular opinion, it does not require years of therapy or anonymous support groups. What it takes is the courage to ask yourself better questions, the flexibility to choose better answers, and the courage to believe in your own highest truth. So what do you believe is true about your habit? What do you believe is true about yourself? And do those beliefs help you or harm you? Do they limit you? Or do they liberate you?

4. Replace The Behavior

All your behavior is driven by your beliefs. Once you know how to choose between beliefs that serve you, and beliefs that enslave you, you’ll be free to make healthier decisions, and to behave in ways that are healthier for you all around. Remember, you can’t just erase a behavior, you have to replace it with something even better. The best way to do that is by building on a solid foundation.

Start here: What is one invincible truth you’re absolutely certain of, or what is one good thing you believe that has stood the test of time? Doesn’t matter how small or insignificant it may seem - if its real for you, then its real important! Take a moment now to think of something you know in your heart is true, and then answer the following question: “Knowing that fact is true, how does it make me feel?”

The same thing goes when developing a new habit. With regards to creating a “powerful new identity”, one that is stronger than your unwanted habit, what is one small truth that you’re absolutely certain of, and what is one definite step you can take to immediately begin expressing it? Now what actions can you take in this very moment, to move towards developing an entirely new behavior, in support of a fragile new belief?

5. Over and Over Again

The fact is, you can instantly change your behavior, but the real challenge is learning how to accept your own truth as being greater than the stories other people are selling you. Here, repetition is the key.

Over the years, your mind has been unconsciously programmed to serve others, now, you must consciously train it to serve yourself. You must exercise your own power of choice over and over again, constantly choosing the new behavior in a variety of situations. Gradually, you will re-condition yourself to prefer the healthier option.

This is the part that always takes time, but don’t get caught in the trap of perpetual recovery. The question to ask at this point is “How will you know when you have finally won the battle? How will you know when at last you have fully recovered, and there is nothing left to fear?” Whatever actions you have chosen to replace the old behavior, you must now constantly repeat those actions until you know the job is done.

6. Validate Your Progress

By this stage you are well on your way to transforming your beliefs and behavior. You have identified what you really want; you have acquired the necessary motivation to see it through; you have eliminated the unhealthy mental, physical, and emotional patterns that have been holding you back; you have replaced those unhealthy patterns with beliefs that serve you; and you have spent a period of time aligning your daily actions with your true values and objectives.

Now, the best thing you can do is constantly catch yourself doing things well. By focusing on the positive aspects of your progress, you not only validate your own judgment and self-worth, you invalidate the negative programming that had previously been oppressing you. As you focus more and more on the small but definite improvements you are making, you will quickly gain the momentum to break free entirely.

7. Environmental Support

For improving your behavior, a supportive environment isn’t a luxury. It’s a necessity. It is now imperative to catch yourself doing things well as often as possible. And, to reinforce your healthy new behavior, it’s also important to get the encouragement of others.

By creating a supportive environment, enlisting the help of others who know what you are up against, and by surrounding yourself with happy, healthy people, you are far more likely to get where you want to go. You must avoid people who want to commiserate, lay blame, make excuses, dwell upon the drama, and generally drag you down. Instead, surround yourself with people who encourage your success. Seek people who have the ability, not just the desire to help you get results. Now you are free not only to choose your course of action, but to share what you have learned with others.

At this point there is no turning back. You have seen the truth of your own personal responsibility, and the power to create your fate.

MH

To begin, breathe deep. Spine erect, shoulders back…

In the summer of 1997, I had a conversation with an American yogi named Gurucharan Singh Khalsa. Dr. Khalsa is both a healer and a scientist, but more importantly, I consider him a good friend whom I can always rely on to speak the truth. At the time, I was very unhappy with my life, even after spending thousands of dollars on books, tapes, self-help seminars, and professional therapy.

I remember feeling frustrated because for many years I had been trying to change my life, and I still wasn’t getting anywhere. In fact, in many ways, I was unhappier than ever. Sitting in his living room one day, sipping yogi tea while pondering my plight, Gurucharan asked me a startling question. He said:

“Do you want to change, or do you want to improve?”

For me it was a critical distinction. Change implied experiencing something different, but not necessarily better. Improvement, however, meant moving in the right direction, and getting some good results. An improvement was something I knew I could work towards, and immediately feel better about achieving.

At that point, I had already made some definite progress dealing with my addictions. I had been drug and alcohol-free for several years, and could finally admit there were similar patterns in my choices regarding love, sex and gambling. But my understanding was limited, and I knew I still had a long way to go.

My finances, for example, were a constant source of pain. Previously, I had been a very wealthy businessman. Confident. Generous. Loved by friends and family. But after many years of partying and too many poor decisions, I had become a scared, compulsive gambler, who couldn’t even feed his kids.

It was very frustrating. For all the work I had done with my addictions, I still didn’t know why I could control myself in some areas, yet feel so powerless in others. I knew exactly how I had quit using drugs and alcohol, but I didn’t know why my methods had worked, or how I could use that knowledge in other troubled areas of my life.

Still, I knew I was making progress, and felt compelled to share what I had found. I also believed that to really add anything of value to this contentious topic, I would have to strike at the very root of the problem. I would have to find the essential elements common to all addictions, and then show how a few key principles can help any individual improve any unwanted behavior.

One day, more out of curiosity than anything else, I went to an AA meeting, to see what I could learn. First thing I discovered there was that if you want to sell coffee or cigarettes, then AA is the place to go. I found this disturbing because, for all their best efforts, it was clear that many of the folks who had taken the twelve steps hadn’t really gained freedom from their addiction – they had simply replaced one unhealthy habit with another.

They had certainly changed their behavior, but had they really improved their ability to make healthy choices?

My doubts were later confirmed by the Chairman of that meeting, with whom I spoke privately afterwards. “My alcoholism is a disease,” he insisted, “It’s something I have no control over. But smoking I can quit anytime.”

“So why haven’t you?” I asked.

Blank.

He just stood there for a long minute, before finally saying “I dunno.”

This from a guy who claimed he’d been “clean and sober” for over twenty years, but was still smoking like a chimney. Twenty years later, even though he was no longer drinking, I felt he was still the victim of a diseased way of thinking. A way of thinking that causes people to mask or deny their feelings rather than face up to them directly. I recognized it because I knew it was the same thing I had often done myself.

For me, that was the beginning of a lengthy study into the patterns and processes of addiction, but it was another four years before I finally had the courage to confront myself at the deepest level. To fully examine my views, not just on what I perceived to be other people’s unhealthy behavior, but far more difficult, and far more liberating, to fully explore my own limiting beliefs.

Eventually, what I found are a few simple truths that anyone can use for some additional perspective on their dis-ease. A word I now define as nothing more than a sense of mental, physical, or spiritual discomfort; a call to action; or simply an individual’s longing to be whole.

MH

This welcome is about to turn out completely different than I expected. What I had planned on writing, was a straight-forward introduction on how I can help you solve your drinking problem. I mean, that’s what you are looking for, right? A way to solve the problem.

But what if it’s not as easy as you would like? What if it requires you take responsibility not just for the problem, but especially for the solution? Do you really feel you’re worth it?

The answers are probably easier than you believe. In the simplest terms, all it takes to break any bad habit or addiction is a decision, and a way of supporting that decision until the job is done. But what I have found, both in my professional experience helping people with their addictions, and also in my personal experience dealing with my own, is that quite often people aren’t as ready as they think they are.

If you really want to change your behavior, then at some point, you are going to have to change the underlying beliefs that are causing it. Otherwise, the same kind of behavior will just keep on showing up in other areas of your life. Have you ever seen how many smokers there are at an A.A. meeting? The fact is, Our beliefs drive our behavior…

That means whether you believe you can,
or you believe you can’t,
you’re right!

So I had planned on starting this blog by talking about personal responsibility. Response. Ability. The ability to respond. In other words, the ability to choose a response that effectively serves your purpose. But then I remembered it’s our stories that are hindering us. All those things we call “legitimate reasons” for not being able to accomplish something. The things we keep on saying over and over again that make it okay for us to fail, rather than succeed.

An Alcoholic Celebrity

I have no doubt I can help you permanently solve your drinking problem. I have done it for myself and many other people. The only thing stopping me from helping you is…you. Specifically, the unconscious beliefs you currently hold that are preventing you from getting what you want. So where I’m going to start is by telling you a story about an alcoholic celebrity who unknowingly inspired me to help as many people as I can. I won’t give you his name, but once upon a time, this guy played a flower delivery boy in a pretty slick love-sick chick flick. (Eat your heart out Dr. Suess!)

In the movie, this girl falls for this guy, who as it turns out, owns a whole bunch of flower stores. But she can’t understand why a man with so much money, the owner of all these stores, would spend his time working as the flower delivery boy. To let her see for herself, one day the guy invites her to come and do his deliveries with him…

So what do you think happens when people see the flower delivery boy? There’s all smiles and laughter and hugs and tears of joy! The guy gets to share in all that love and happiness all day long! “Oh It’s the flower delivery boy! Oh my goodness! Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

It’s funny. A little tear of joy just dropped from my own eye, as I’m recalling why I’m doing all this work in the first place. It’s because 15 years ago, when I first saw that movie, I said to myself “Wow. If I could find a way to help people improve their quality of life, it would be like that guy delivering flowers. Only better.”

But the story doesn’t end there. You see I didn’t just say that to myself. Back in 1995, I actually wrote those very same words in a letter to a guy named Tony Robbins. Maybe you’ve heard of him. Anyway, in that letter I told Mr. Robbins that the reason I wanted to work with him, was so I could find my own way of “delivering flowers” to people every single day.

As it turns out, I ended up working with Tony for awhile, and one day, a very curious thing happened. One day, in an audience of over 2, 000 people, the actor from that very same movie, stood up and started talking about his drinking problem. Fascinated, I watched as this very well-known young man, “the flower delivery boy” who had so inspired me, started talking about his drinking problems in front of all these people.

And how my heart ached for this guy when he couldn’t let Tony in to help him. You see, there was no question Robbins’ could have helped him. The problem was, the young man just wasn’t ready to let him.

The only thing stopping you from getting what you want,
is your story for why you can’t have it.

And all this to tell you three simple things:

1. Speaking as the owner of a company whose purpose is to help people deal with their addictions, and speaking as a man who once lost both family and fortune through my own drug, alcohol and gambling addictions, I know that the weight of personal responsibility is sometimes hard to bear. I also know there is simply no other way to live well, than to become personally responsible for your own health and happiness.

 

2. Our beliefs drive our behavior. That means the only thing stopping you from getting sober, is your story for why you can’t do it. I know that statement is going to scare a lot of people away, but only those who prefer the certainty of their old beliefs.

 

3. The bottom line is I have found some things that work for me. And they can work for you.

To your success,

Michael Highstead